The Weight of a Life (cont) Non-Fiction 2 excerpts to go

Thank you for reading, joining and checking in.  I have kept the excerpts fairly short but posting a new one every couple of days.  I have 2 to go for this story and plan on posting new material very soon.  Thank you for your interest!!


After just a few moments in the lot listening to Margaret turn the pages of her life, it became clear that barring a warrant for homicide, or a threat to the president, the officers had no intention on booking her for any reason.  I understood that and agreed.  The time spent at County hospital to clear her for jail with the sores, scabs and cough could take hours.  We all decided to let Margaret educate us on her chosen life. 
In our line of work we usually witness the lack of clear forethought for the proposed possible outcomes in some of those decisions.  Not yet a mother myself in 1996 but a worthy and capable street guardian of children, I was eager to hear what she knew of her own.  With the education presented to me this night by Margaret and tallied with other breeders I contacted on the street, I would add to my arsenal a self education in parenting and a positive path for children I came across faced with a parent like Margaret.  I would also subconsciously store away the reality that through experienced indifference and sometimes chemical demons, the ability to “mother” for some never materializes. 
When I asked Margaret if she knew where her children were or if they were even in the state, she shrugged her shoulders.  She bent down, adjusted the syringes at her ankle while our hands naturally maneuvered their way to our gun sides and spoke to the ground, “Who knows?” 
We remained there listening to Margaret, letting her know she was free to go.  Her honesty and openness remained simply just a matter of fact to the invasion into her life by our job status as municipal babysitters and her choice of profession.  You make choices like Margaret; you have babies you have no business having, you let others raise them, you become a backdrop, you become something to be avoided and discarded.   I was uncertain if she held any remorse to her indifference she so easily displayed as a parent.  After all, she will forever be someone’s mother, just not a good one.  She did not speak of her children with a longing or as if part of her was missing.  It was just a fact and that element of apathy, that lack of joy or love, I just could not comprehend yet I saw how it could be.  Margaret had nothing of herself left.  It was quite possible there never was much of Margaret from the beginning.  Whatever was left of her was picked apart each night about ten minutes at a time.  The weight of her life was too much to bear.  How could she direct the path of another?  


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I figured things out late in life, like what I wanted to do, getting married (age 30), having kids, (36 and 38) and changing degrees about 3 times. Now as a cop of 19 years and in my mid 40's, I am finally figuring out some things. My first career or dream of becoming a writer is playing more in my head and daily life than ever. I love it. Thus the blog. It is all mine. I also love being a mother. They are all ours. I love my husband and as a cop, wow.. have I seen some things. Street degree. I got it. Let us learn together. I also am on She Writes.